Top Ten Most Hated Workplace Personalities:

I have fully submerged myself in the vast corporate ocean – and not just any part of the ocean but I’ve dived straight into deep end: the prestigious and selective banking area often closed off to the public. After such a long period sunbathing on the sand, I am reminded of why I hate certain types of “swimmers” if you will. I’ve only just started at The Bank so I don’t have any complaints just yet – everyone is smart, friendly and good to work with. From my years of corporate experience across many industries, I'm simply reminded and fascinated that it seems no matter what company, industry, or country you're in, these types of people exist that make you want to roll your eyes and punch them in the face. I have compiled my list below:

Top Ten Most Hated Workplace Personalities:

1. The Incompetent Manager: The guy who doesn't know what he's talking about but loves to hear his own voice. We all know he's the office idiot, constantly spewing bullshit out of his ass. But he's your manager so you do all the work while he takes all the credit when the project is a success.
2. The Ambitious Brown-noser: The guy who kisses ass every chance he gets. Usually pretty bright, on the fast track and always politically correct, he acts as the "hall monitor" to the rest of us who bend the rules and make inappropriate comments. You feel nauseous every time you see him sticking his nose up the boss' ass.
   
3. The Loud Cell Phone Guy: The guy who is always on his goddamn cell phone and talks so loud that you can't help but hear who he shagged last night or when his next dentist appointment is. Or he leaves his phone on his desk when he goes to a meeting and it rings every five seconds with an annoying ring tone like "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard..."
   
4. The Office Bitch: In my industry, there are not that many females so whenever I meet another girl I'm always excited to have female company. However, some women, usually average looking but delusional and think they are hotter than they actually are, have an innate jealousy and competitiveness and do not like to share the limelight with other women. So listen up bitch, I'm here to make money and make friends - not to steal any attention of dirty old men from you. It is not my fault some of us are better looking and naturally more charming than you are.
   
5. The Office Gossip: This is the girl you cannot trust. She may seem like everyone's best friend but she talks shit about you behind your back. This is often the same person as the Office Bitch and usually best friends with the Ambitious Brown-noser.
   
6. The Office Slob: This is the person who always looks frazzled with wrinkled clothes and does gross things in the office like chew with their mouths open or cut their nails at their desk or leave the toilet un-flushed. I don't want to hear "click click click" [nail clipper sound] in the office. And I certainly don't want to see your piss/shit/bloody tampons in the toilet or your curly fries on the toilet seat.
   
7. The Arrogant Know-It-All: This is the guy who knows everything about everything endlessly spitting out useless trivia. He is also a connoisseur of all the fine things in life and brags about his Ferrari or $1,000 bottle of '83 Grange. You want to hate him but you know he's the loser who used to get beat up in school and he's simply compensating. You also don't mind him because his wealth of knowledge is useful at times, like when you want to know where to find sushi served on naked women.
   
8. The Sick Person Who Insists on Going to Work and Getting Everyone Else Sick: Why do people insist on coming to work when they're sick? Trust me, whatever your contribution is to the world, it's not that important and it can wait. I don't mind when people get sick - it happens to the best of us. But stay home so you don't contaminate the entire office! And the sound of sniffling every 13 seconds makes me want to pull my hair out. Take a goddamn tissue and blow! (This was particularly evident in Tokyo because it is considered impolite to blow your nose in public, so I'm left with a half-bald head.)
   
9. The Smelly Guy. This is the person who either has really bad BO and doesn't know it or who wears way too much cologne/perfume - either way it is a preemptive strike on your nose. Some guys mask their BO by dousing themselves with cheap cologne which makes everyone want to vomit, especially when we are all confined in a tiny conference room with them. I had to inform a manager once to stop wearing so much cologne because it made me want to THUR-ROW UP.
10. The Stinky Food Lady. This is the lady who always brings her stinky food to work. If you insist on microwaving your leftover fish for lunch, then be a little considerate and eat it outside or in the stairwell where nobody goes unless there is a fire. We don't need the entire floor to smell like your day-old fish. Well, I guess I can't complain too much about people's stinky food. If you've ever worked with me, you can attest that I eat all day at my desk which is always well stocked with plenty of snacks and fruits. Since fruits attract fruit flies, they tend to swarm around my desk. I must admit, it's pretty gross. Unfortunately, the fruit flies have followed me all the way to Australia, so I have decided to turn over a new leaf. Starting next week, I will not make my desk look like a fruit market any longer and scare off my new coworkers.
    

So there you have it. Sucky work people transcend all industries and countries. And midgets are funny, too. (That's what she said.)

Aussie Word of the Day:
Pack means PowerPoint presentation (or deck as Americans like to call it).
Session means meeting.
Example: I need you to create a pack for our session with the stakeholders next week. Have it on my desk by tomorrow.
Note: Since we're on the topic of work, I might as well teach you some corporate words I learned last week (these are used by Brits as well). When my boss told me to "create a pack," I was like, "a pack of what....wolves?"