Australia: Toilet Matters

If toilet humour isn't for you, then I suggest you skip this entry dedicated entirely to the porcelain god. I'll start with this tidbit of background information: Australian toilets have a dual-flush system developed by Caroma as an effective measure to conserve water in a drought-ridden country. Use the "half flush" button (usually indicated by a half moon) when you go #1. Use the "full flush" button (full moon) when you go #2. This can save up to 67% of water usage by using an average of 3.8 litres of water per flush as opposed to the traditional 11 litres of water.

Now that you know how toilets in Australia work, I'll move on to why this topic became of interest. There seems to be a little problem with shitting at work as of late. Well, not me...One day at work I noticed a laminated poster in every bathroom stall, positioned strategically so that it is right at eye level when you are sitting down on the toilet. When I realised the poster gave directions on how to properly use a toilet, I couldn't help but laugh out loud. The pictures (see left) explicitly demonstrated the correct way of usage is to sit on the toilet seat - not squat on top of the toilet or next to the toilet. There have been complaints that people are squatting - leaving footprints on the toilet seat and/or "matter" on the floor. Fingers quickly pointed to new immigrants from South Asia, and I quickly reminded everyone I'm an American (or Canadian rather). A few of these posters have since been taken down - I'm assuming they were stolen as souvenirs. Hmm...not a bad idea. Maybe I should pilfer one myself so I can post it on our home bathroom wall for shits and giggles (pun intended).

Then last Friday I was told that someone allegedly defecated on someone else's desk. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, you ask? No, unfortunately not. Who? How? Why? How? In a corporate environment? Not to mention I work at The Bank, one of the big four "pillars" in Australia. Security initiated an investigation but who knows when or how that will be resolved. Can you imagine being that poor guy coming into work to find a pile of fecal matter on your desk - talk about having a crappy morning! What we can't figure out as spectators is whether or not the perpetrator did the deed directly on the desk or carried it from the bathroom.

And while we're on the topic, if you enjoy toilet humour as much as I do, you have to check out a very Australian movie called Kenny which I've heard is coming to America (or just download it). Kenny is a plumber and the entire movie centres around, well, toilets. Some parts are disgustingly graphic (as in spewing brown stuff) but it is laugh-out-loud hilarious; and I highly recommend watching it while not eating. You should also put subtitles on as the very thick Aussie accent may get lost in translation to the untrained American ear.

Aussie Word of the Day:
Dunny is Australian slang for toilet.
Example: Where's the dunny? I gotta go or there will be a yellow river running down my legs.

Australia: Life Lesson

This past weekend I learnt a very important life lesson at the ripe old age of 30. Yamen and Jo came down from Sydney before tying the knot for a combined bucks/hens night (bachelor/bachelorette party). With Jimmy's help, I planned Friday night for the 10 of us starting with dinner in Chinatown followed by bowling then a pub before possibly ending up in a fine establishment with scantily-clad pole-dancing women known fondly as strippers.

What I planned and what I actually did were two different matters. To summarise what transgressed without going into all the gory details, there was a drinks event at work at 4 and I was having a great time getting my pre-party buzz. Next thing you know, it was 6 o'clock and my coworker said to me in disbelief, "Ev! You drank the entire bottle of champagne by yourself!" I looked at the empty bottle in one hand and an empty glass in the other and thought, "Holy shit!" I couldn't run to the bathroom fast enough where I threw up my party food and sat on the floor for god knows how long. When I finally mustered the strength to leave the confines of the bathroom, everyone had left the office party to continue with their Friday night plans. I successfully made it down the elevator without soiling it with my puke, but as soon as I got out of the building, I threw up on the street. I was walking and throwing up while trying to hail a cab and then throwing up some more while walking all the way to the train station where I threw up again. When I got home, I knew it was over. Fun Evan turned into a party pooping disgrace. Justin tried with all his might to get me out of bed but I just couldn't do it and made him go to our friends without me.

For the next 5 hours, I lied in bed for what seemed like an eternity in hell. I couldn't sleep at all, instead feeling the pain and rawness of my stomach and throwing up everything I drank and ate and then some a thousand times. Benny and Justin finally came home at 3 in the morning from the fun night that I planned. When Justin asked in bed in his drunken stupor how he can help, I begged softly, "Please don't talk, don't move, and don't touch me." He promptly agreed but actions spoke louder than words. Not only was he shaking the bed, rolling around, farting up a storm, and scratching his bum, but he proceeded to tell me, very loudly mind you, how much fun everyone had without me and how I am like a 17-year-old who can't hold her liquor and that no one dislikes me, while singing "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me!" He finally allowed me some peace and quiet by falling asleep and snoring away....That's the loving support I fully expected from my partner.

I miraculously fell asleep after a night of a violent reaction to alcohol poisoning and got up the next morning feeling less than ordinary but understanding Amy Winehouse a little better. Justin got me a bottle of vitamin water, appropriately named "Rehab." My friends forgave me, but not without giving me a lot of grief the rest of the weekend and a couple new nicknames - Spewy le Vom and Vom Vom. My coworkers on the following Monday morning were less kind, naming me Two Pot Screamer (Aussie expression for someone who gets drunk after two drinks) and Cadbury (means a glass and a half, referring to the Cadbury chocolate bar in the UK and Australia advertised as "a glass and a half of full cream milk in every pound"). The lesson here? Life is cruel when you do not know when to stop drinking. And know when to stop or you miss out on fun things with your friends because you're too busy throwing up.

Australia: Birthday at the Grampians

We celebrated Justin's birthday last weekend by engaging in his favourite activity. No, not strip clubs (that's this weekend)... we drove as far away from the city as possible and went camping in the country!!! We left work early on Friday to drive four hours to Dunkeld where we had an 8 o'clock booking at the renowned Royal Mail Hotel - the only restaurant in this remote town but many tourists make the drive just to dine there. Winner of many awards including Two Chef's Hats (Australia's Michelin equivalent), the Royal Mail Hotel proffers three tasting menus including a vegetarian option for $100 - $150 per person as well as a bar menu. Even though each dish is dainty and elegantly served with edible wildflowers on huge plates (almost too pretty to eat), our appetites were beyond satiated by the end of the eight course meal where the last four are dessert. After feasting for two hours, we called it a night at the Sunrise on Sierra Bed & Breakfast down the street from the restaurant.

The next morning we chowed down on a hearty breakfast prepared by our lovely and talkative hostess from the UK at the B&B before taking off to the Grampians National Park. The Grampians boast majestic mountain ranges with breathtaking views and spectacular waterfalls - a big playground for big kids. We hiked a very strenuous 10 k Briggs Bluff Trail that could only be described as steep, slippery, and scary. Briggs Bluff is aptly named because you will be, as I was, fooled by the first 30 minutes of easy flat paved road. As soon as you pass the waterfalls, however, you're in for a treat. The rest of the trail is extremely rocky and dangerous and I often found myself on all fours trying to climb up the mountain while fighting the wind. Proper hiking shoes are mandatory as well as a light backpack with plenty of water and snacks. I was also feeling the start of a bad cold so the first hour was pretty miserable, but I toughed it out and made it all the way up to the top where we rested for a picnic. Boy was I glad I did not concede to my aching body, because as soon as we caught a glimpse of the view, we both gasped for breath for a split-second, overwhelmed and awed by the panoramic scenery (see pics) and nature's wondrous beauty. One false step - or strong wind - and we would have plunged to our premature deaths.

After the equally dangerous and frightening hike down, we set up camp at the Stapleton Campgrounds where we enjoyed a romantic dinner by the campfire with twenty kangaroos (or wallabees) and fifty other campers. Even though we were exhausted, we were unable to get a good night's sleep. First came the wind which kept us up with its howling, often lifting our tents from underneath. Then came the rain which woke us up in the middle of the night with the sound of heavy raindrops. Then came the sun which woke us up at dawn with its brightness seeping through. Then came the birds which woke us up in the early morning with their cacophony. We gave up trying to sleep and closed up shop instead. After stopping by an aboriginal historical art site (they drew white men stick figures) and Mackenzie Falls, we drove back home to good ole Melbourne concluding Justin's birthday celebration weekend - part 1.

Aussie Phrase of the Day:
Ripper means fantastic or great.
Example: What a ripper view at the Grampians!

Australia: Melbourne Events

I know I've been pretty slack the last few weeks - but for good reason (or may just pure laziness). Melbourne is renowned for e world. Recently there has been an influx of events taking place in Melbourne so it is my duty to attend and write about them.

1. Art After Dark - Art Deco Exhibit: being the cultural centre of Australia, attracting artists, musicians, comedians, festivals, and shows from all over thFrom July through September, the NGV - National Gallery of Victoria is displaying exquisite Art Deco pieces (paintings, costumes, ad prints, architecture, furniture, ocean liner, automobiles...) from around the world during 1910 - 1939. Think flappers of the Roaring Twenties, Fred & Ginger, lamps with built-in ash trays, lime green radios, Chrysler building, Coit Tower, Cubism...well, that's all I can remember from the exhibit. Every Wednesday night, the NGV comes alive with Art After Dark where you get to experience the exhibit at night with dance performances, music, speakers, and food and wine. Perfect for an after-work date.
   
2. Sigur Ros Concert: Justin bought tickets to hear his favorite Icelandic band perform at a sold-out show in Melbourne (during the same weekend as our company ski trip which we had to miss thanks to dumb ass). I had never heard of them before so I was even more reluctant to attend. Little did I know, Justin's been playing their music around the house for months which I instantly recognised and took a liking to. Hearing them live was even more spectacular. Sigur Ros sings in their own made-up language. It is hard to describe their music but it is theatrical and melodic and unlike any other sounds I've ever heard. If they are touring in your city, I highly recommend checking them out.
   
3. White Charlie's Grand Opening: Kyoko took Rita, Stephanie, and me (all fellow expats) to a bar opening owned by her friend in Prahan where we rubbed elbows with TV celebrities (one I even recognised) and Miss Australia. After waiting outside in the freezing cold (don't forget - it's winter down here) for the longest 15 minutes of my life, the owner finally came out to greet us and let us in past the queue. Packed with attractive fashionable Melbournians air kissing each other, it felt like a wannabe glitsy Hollywood event in a small town (I tend to forget that Melbourne is one of the biggest cities in Australia).
   
4. Altar Boyz: Nokomi scored free tickets through work for a musical comedy about a religious boy band. It was cute and hilarious with cheesy music and dance moves reminiscent of the Backstreet Boy / N Sync days. While the rest of us thoroughly enjoyed the live show which won Best Off Broadway Musical, Justin wasn't very amused - he thought a 5-minute SNL skit was enough to do the theme justice.
   
5. Taste of Melbourne: A couple weekends ago, Yamen and Joanna came down from Sydney for work. While the boys went to the footy game in Geelong (an hour and a half away from Melbourne), Jo and I went to a food and wine festival at the Royal Exhibition Centre where top restaurants in the city (Nobu, Court House, Circa, The Stokehouse, Longrain) showcased their signature dishes. We were regaled for three hours with wine, honey nectar, black cod, slow cooked pork belly, and fabulous desserts (our favorite was a Greek donut filled with turkish delight on top of panacotta). At $25 for admission plus $8-$16 per dish (appetizer size), Taste of Melbourne was a bit of a ripoff but we were stuffed nonetheless and had the best time eating the Sunday afternoon away. We capped off with a nap at the Crowne Plaza where Jo was staying.
   
6. The Mummy Premiere: Annie and I went to see Edge of Love (Sienna Miller and Kiera Knightley) at the Melbourne Central Hoyts Theatre and accidentally stumbled upon the red carpet premiere of The Mummy. When we were getting our tickets, we heard all this commotion with dragon dancing typical of Chinese New Year. We quickly found out that it was the movie premiere and Brendan Fraser (Annie's favourite Hollywood crush) was attending. We managed to squeeze past the crowd scoring front-row standing spots behind the velvet rope. After waiting for 15 minutes, Brendan Fraser finally made his appearance and shook everyone's hands and signed autographs. When he got close to where we were standing, Annie had an actual conversation with him asking him how his flight was and how he was feeling. He apparently winked at me according to Annie but I was too busy trying to get a notebook for him to sign for her. His appearance was disappointing in person to say the least. His balding scalp was haphazardly covered up by hair plugs while his makeup was thick but didn't hide his aging skin. He is not as tall as he appeared in the movies and certainly not in the best shape. Poor Encino Man looks nothing like the poster.
   
7. Yoga Expo: One Sunday we spent the entire day at the Melbourne Showgrounds where the yoga expo took place with free classes offered by various schools in Melbourne and panels with yoga experts and tasty vegetarian meals. It was a very relaxing day and helped us re-center ourselves, reminding us of what we learned in India. It's amazing how much we let our environment affect us. Now that we are working and living in the city again, we get so caught up with the every day life that we have almost forgotten what it means to let go, live healthy, live simply. Attending the yoga expo helped remind us of that again.
   

Aussie Phrases of the Day:
Save it for Ron - saving something for later on
Save it for Justin - saving something for just in case
Example: Justin: why are you putting that piece of cake in your purse?
Me: Saving it for Ron! And for Justin!

Australia: Long Black or Flat White

A long black may sound like something out of a porn flick, but it is actually a type of coffee you order when you step into a cafe. If you try to order by saying "a venti coffee" like American Brian did when he first arrived, it will have the same effect as saying "a large food and a small beverage." You will inevitably be given a weird look and then asked, "What kind of coffee?" (American Brian cracked under pressure and ordered a hot chocolate instead.)

Melbourne has a very prevalent and perhaps snobby coffee culture, which I was quite surprised to discover upon arrival. Streets are lined with fashionable cafes; walking from my house to the train station, I pass by six cafes every morning in just one block. Melburnians take their coffee very seriously. It is not uncommon for someone to have their own espresso machine (our house mate Ben has his imported from Italy). It is never brewed coffee but espresso served in a variety of ways. Trying to find a cafe that serves brewed coffee here is like needle in a haystack or coffee bean in marbles. Coffee art is also popular (made by pouring the frothy milk to form objects as shown on pictures) and shows off the artistic skills of a barista.

To arm you with coffee knowledge so you don't end up like American Brian on his first order, here's a brief description of the possible choices of coffee you can expect to find at any cafe (copied verbatim from this poster I found):

• Espresso/Short Black - A short black coffee (30ml) with a thick golden layer of 'crema' served in a demitasse cup.
• Hot Chocolate - A sweet rich chocolate indulgence to which freshly steamed milk is added & topped with freshly whipped cream or froth, served in a long glass.
• Cappuccino - Normally 1/3 espresso to which freshly steamed milk with a mountain of thick dense foam is added, served in a cup & dusted with chocolate powder.
• Long Black - Half a cup of hot water to which two shots of espresso are added.
• Flat White - A shot of espresso (30ml) to which freshly steamed milk with a small amount of foam is added & served in a cup.
• Short Macchiato - An espresso (30ml) stained with a dash of hot/cold milk.
• Caffe Latte - A double shot of espresso (60ml) to which freshly steamed milk with a small amount of foam is added & served in a glass.
• Babyccinos (not on poster) - Frothy steamed milk served in a tiny cup that moms can get for their babies. A personal favourite.
  

I was never much of a coffee drinker aside from the occasional visit to Starbucks back home. But many meetings here - social and business - are conducted in cafes, so I've learnt to adapt without even stepping foot in a Starbucks. I usually go with a weak skinny cappuccino (less espresso with skim milk) or a skinny chai latte with cinnamon and honey wherever chai is served. With local cafes getting most of the business, it is no wonder that Starbucks is closing 61 of 84 stores here in Australia because frankly, there's just no demand for it. Australia's coffee aficionados like to taste their coffees, not syrupy [insert fruit] creme frappuccinos with extra whipped cream that is signature of the Seattle chain (which I have to admit - I do love a Green Tea Frap). Perhaps Starbucks should have conducted better market research before trying to introduce a European cafe culture where it already existed unlike the U.S.

Australia: More Great Barrier Reef Photos

Australia: Great Barrier Reef

Justin and I took a little holiday (from our holiday) with American Brian and Aussie Nikki - sailing the Whitsunday Islands and diving in the Great Barrier Reef - marking one of the most eye-opening and exhilarating experiences of my life - right up there with my first taste of a certain medicinal fungus in Goa. The Whitsundays are a group of 74 islands off the coast of Queensland, Australia, formed by volcanic activity 100 million years ago and discovered in 1770 by Captain James Cook. The islands also provided access to the Great Barrier Reef, one of the world's Seven Natural Wonders and the largest coral reef system. Unfortunately, if global warming continues at its current rate, the reefs could be completely wiped out within 20 years, killing all the marine life that feeds off of it.

The Boat:
There are countless sailing options to choose from - BYO (bring your own alcohol) backpacker party catamarans to luxury yachts with white glove service to DIY (do it yourself) sailboats for rent - definitely something for everyone. After briefly contemplating sailing ourselves and quickly realizing what a disaster that would be, we decided to go with a middle-of-the-road sailboat called the Kiana - one of the few that actually sailed out to the Great Barrier Reef. Kiana is a reputable and sturdy boat that can accommodate 14 passengers and 3 crew members with two bathrooms to share. Sleeping room is pretty tight especially for Giant Brian at 6 feet 5, but manageable for the rest of us even though there are no private cabins which are unnecessary on this type of trip anyway. The crew, consisting of Brent the skipper, Paul the dive instructor / cruise director who nicknamed us Team America, and Paul the chef who nicknamed me Princess, were beyond fabulous. Not only were they very knowledgeable, capable at their jobs and catered to all our needs, their friendliness and genuine excitement made the trip that much more special. The other passengers on board included the four of us; sonnet-writing Professor Rob from Florida State University who was in Melbourne to deliver speeches; Dan and Jo - couple from the UK working and travelling in Aus for a year (just like us); Melanie and Sven - couple from Sweden here on holiday; Ciera and Emily - two Irish sisters and their husbands Joe and Matt - all of whom are teachers on their 2-month summer break; and finally Karen - a freckly Swedish girl who took a liking to Brian and Justin.


Itinerary:
Day 0: After a four hour flight from Melbourne to Hamilton Island, Australia's biggest island resort (and most expensive), we took our time enjoying the warmth of the sun and sand on the beach. We then took a ferry to Airlie Beach (backpacker central) where we spent the night before heading to the Marina at 8am the next morning.
Day 1: We checked in at the Marina, boarded Kiana, and after a safety briefing by Paul the cruise director, we set sail and made our way to the stunning White Haven beach, Australia's 4th most photographed destination (after Sydney Opera House, Sydney Harbour Bridge, and Ayers Rock). The white sand is extremely fine with 98% silica and is used by NASA to build the Hubble telescope. If you attempt to smuggle some of this fairy dust sand with you, expect to be fined a hefty $10,000 fee by Customs. We spent a few hours splashing in the crystal blue water, playing Frisbee and football, and taking pictures before getting back onto our boat. We then anchored at Bait Reef just in time to enjoy the pink sunset and whale watching. After devouring a delicious gourmet meal under the full moon with the cool ocean breeze, we gathered for a slideshow of pictures taken by Paul during the day. Then everyone went to bed early for a 5:30 am wakeup call.
Day 2: Scuba diving was on the agenda at 7 am after breakfast. Brian, Justin, and I made up the first group of non-certified divers and dived down to 9 meters under water in our mandatory stinger suit and a separate wet suit. Water temperature was a cool 20 degrees C (68 F). Unfortunately Nikki couldn't join us due to her asthma so she had to settle for snorkelling. Then after our first dive, we motored on for a few hours until we reached the Great Barrier Reef. When we jumped back into the temperate water for snorkelling, a school of humpback whales were flapping their tails and breaching in and out of the ocean just 100 meters away from where we were! Instead of snorkelling with our heads in the water, we couldn't stop watching the whales for about 20 minutes with our jaws open. When we finally started snorkelling, we were mesmerized by a melange of the most vibrant coral and fishes we've ever seen. Back on the boat, I found Paul’s camera lying around so I took the opportunity and had Justin moon the camera. After yet another gorgeous sunset which turned the sky orange and pink and watching some more whales flapping about, we had a hearty meal with fellow adventurers, reminisced about all the fabulous water creatures we saw, and gathered for our nightly slideshow which unfortunately did not include Justin’s full moon but everyone had a good laugh.
Day 3: The 5:30 wakeup call on our last day was less brutal, waking up to the soothing voice of Hawaiian musician Iz singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow. I immediately sprang out of bed and got ready for snorkelling after breakfast. It was even more amazing on the second day because the higher tide enabled us to swim right on top of the colourful coral reef. On our way back to the boat, Nikki and I unexpectedly saw a giant turtle swimming gracefully in the water. We were so excited but didn't want to scare the little guy so we swam with our arms up and down on our sides the way turtles do (as we were told to do so the turtle would think we are one of them). After an eventful morning, we had to prepare for our four-hour long journey back to Airlie Beach port. The clouds also started to form and hide the sun, making it a little chillier on our return sail. As we settled our bills and said our goodbyes, we were saddened to leave the world’s most amazing aquarium and be back on land again. Later that night we met with the Irishmen and the Swedish couple for drinks at Beaches, a local pub.
Day 4: We stayed overnight at Airlie Beach and caught the first ferry back to Hamilton Beach where we flew out of. It was grey and raining all morning which made it easier to say goodbye to paradise. Other than having the worst flight with annoying toddlers screaming the entire way, we made it safely home to Melbourne by 4 pm.
Here are a few tips on what to pack and the cost if you are interested in taking one of the most awesome and fantastic trips imaginable!

What to Pack:

• Small duffel bag - carry-on hard luggage with wheels are not allowed
• Camera, sunscreen and sunglasses
• Bathing suit, T-shirts and shorts
• Towel and toiletries - not provided on boat
• Flip flops - don't bother bringing an extra pair of shoes because everyone has to surrender their footwear at the beginning of the trip and walk barefoot on the boat
• Dramamine - MUST TAKE AN HOUR BEFORE YOU SET SAIL!!! Motion of the ocean can really get the best of you if your stomach is weak like mine but Dramamine worked like a charm

Cost Breakdown:

• 3-day 2-night on the Kiana sailboat (book direct on their website rather than through a travel agency for cheaper fares): $469 per person (includes lodging on boat, all meals, one free dive and unlimited snorkelling) + $15 (stinger suit rental) + $65 (each additional dive)
• Marine Park Fee: $45 per person (mandatory fee for all divers)
• Flight on Jetstar from Melbourne to Hamilton Island: $190 roundtrip
• Fantasea ferry from Hamilton Island to Airlie Beach: $90 roundtrip
• Accommodation on Airlie Beach - 2 nights at Airlie Apartments: $180/night for 2BR

Australia: Living la Vida Expata

Moving to Australia this year is my third stint as an expat in a new country. While I adapt well and have a ball no matter where my host country is, I can't help but miss home during the holidays. Two years ago it was Thanksgiving in Tokyo where my fellow American expats and I threw a grand feast for our Aussie and Japanese friends with a turkey, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie, and other must-haves. This year it was spending the Fourth of July in Australia. Since our Independence Day lied on a Friday here in the middle of winter, everyone went to work like it was any other day - quite a contrasting vibe from back home with pool parties, barbecues, or a drunken weekend at the beach. Luckily our American friends living in Melbourne threw a Taxation Without Representation party with some American nibblies like burritos and chili and of course a keg of beer. The party (and everyone's American accent) made us feel a little more at home, especially American Brian.

For the past four months, I've met quite a few Yanks living Down Under - some came here for work, some married an Aussie, some are refugees escaping the boredom of middle America. But whatever their stories, we all have one thing in common: living the expat life. There are over 60,000 Americans living in Australia whose total population is just over 21 million. Although 60,000 isn't a big number, there is certainly no lacking in the support department. Besides the US Embassy (for immigration issues), it is easy to find various support groups (one of which is the American Women's Association that my friend Annie belongs to), online forums, blogs, tax advisors, employment help, and so much more - all with a mission to facilitate Americans living in a foreign country. Although Justin and I are usually bumbling our way through without the help of any aforementioned groups, we find it pretty easy to adjust to the Aussie way of life. And now that the end of the financial year has passed (June 30th), we are quickly discovering that just because we are foreigners, we cannot escape paying income taxes here. In case I forgot to mention, Justin also found a job a month ago at a competing bank. Our offices are only a block away from each other which makes lunch-time rendezvous very convenient.

Aussie word of the day:
Chook means chicken.
Example: Pamela Anderson blasted KFC for their mistreatment of chooks while shooting Australia's Big Brother for which is ironically sponsored by KFC.

Pictures: July 4th party. Weekend trip down the Great Ocean Road to enjoy the magnificence of the Twelve (now Eight) Apostles, Grotto, and London Bridge (which fell down in 1990 leaving a couple tourists stranded on a cliff). A must-drive and must-see when visiting Victoria.

Australia: A Fete Fit For an 80's Prom Queen

This past weekend we celebrated a very momentous occasion - my 25th birthday - with a fancy dress party (fancy dress is what Aussies call costumes). In honor of the upcoming forth of July, we made the costume theme American Pop Culture. And in typical Ms. Evan fashion where the tackier the better, I crowned myself prom queen 80's style. When we went shopping for our costumes at Salvos (Salv. Army) and found an iridescent bridesmaid A-line skirt and a purple satin pillow case, I knew I could turn it into something spectacular with Nokomi's help. My fairy godmother is a miracle worker and a genius at the sewing machine (not to mention a multi-talented chanteuse and trained dancer). With some black tulle and sequined fabric, Nokomi magically transformed my pillow case and bridesmaid skirt into a fabulous 80's prom dress in just 2 days. I added gaudy pearls, silver gloves, prom queen sash, fishnet stockings and a tiara to complete the look.
As for the party, we decked the house with American flags and red/white/blue balloons (thanks to Brian who arrived that morning from the US and is here to visit for a month) and served American nibbles like mac 'n cheese, rice krispy treats, deviled eggs, pizza, cupcakes, hot dogs, and Budweiser. Justin also compiled a 7-hour music list consisted of all American tunes from Michael Jackson to Madonna to Eminem to Guns 'n Roses. Over half of the twenty plus guests actually dressed up in a costume, not a disappointing success rate if you ask me. Guests included Don Johnson from Miami Vice who also doubled as my prom king, Maverick from Top Gun, Redneck/American Brian, Playboy Bunny, Audrey Hepburn from Breakfast at Tiffany's, Felicity Shagwell, Austin Powers, Harry from Dumb and Dumber, and Paris Hilton. We drank, danced, played beer pong and flip cup (the girls kicked the guys' ass three times in a row), and partied like it was 1985. I was caught drinking straight out of the punch bowl. Before I knew it, I passed out in my prom dress and woke up the next morning still drunk with a massive hangover and found our house looking and smelling like the aftermath of a frat party. Nonetheless I couldn't have imagined a more festive way to turn 25. Quarter of a century. I am getting up there aren't I? Oh alright... I'M THIRTY OKAY? THIRTY! BIG 3-0! I'M AN OLD BAG WITH WRINKLES AND SAGGING BOOBS AND GRAYING PUBES! I actually think I'm handling this major milestone considerably well. I mean, I'm not thrilled about leaving my 20's behind but I guess they say 30 is the new 20. So hooray for me and all my fabulous old fart friends who are turning 30 this year. What would you have dressed up as if you were at my party?
Aussie word of the day:
Slab means a carton of beer (24 pack)
Example: Gotta get a couple slabs for the party tonight.

Australia: Ugly American

After three full months of residing in Oz, I can formulate based on my sound research a fair assessment of how Aussies view Americans. The general consensus is that we are a bunch of loud-mouth, obnoxious, rude, wasteful, xenophobic, unworldly fat f*cks who sleep with our siblings/animals/grandmas and throw chairs at each other on Jerry Springer. The clip of Ms. South Carolina (2007 Teen USA) that has been shared and mocked around the world thanks to YouTube - who answered the judge's question with gibberish about Americans not owning maps and helping South Africa - definitely hasn't helped things either. Here are a few examples of how Aussies perceive Americans.

One commercial on TV shows two American financial planners explaining to their Australian clients that if they invest wisely, they will live very comfortably in America (while pointing to a map of Australia) and retire in Florida (while pointing to New Zealand) where deers (showing a picture of kangaroos) roam free. It's a funny stab at Americans, but that stereotype is supported by the unfortunate fact that almost 75% of Americans don't even have a passport, most of us do not know world geography (can't even locate Australia on a map), and we all seem to think the world revolves around our nation. On the contrary, every Australian I've met is well versed in world affairs (they know more about the Hillary/Obama election than I do!), can identify every country/capital/flag, and has lived overseas and/or travelled extensively around the globe.

In yesterday's mX (Australian's free newspaper in Melbourne/Sydney/Brisbane), an article revealed a blog site where Americans living in Australia complain about how Aussies stink, literally, and should drink less beer (which apparently is partly to blame for the stench), wash their hair more often, and use more deodorant. The response to that by a contributing writer was less than kind, stating, "The most culturally bland, fast-food consuming, over-exposed citizens on Earth have a problem with the way Aussies smell...the Americans are shooting their mouths off again." Come on Yanks! If you are an expat living somewhere else, at least have a tiny shred of respect for the citizens of your host country and avoid insulting them. That's like calling your half-Indian boyfriend curry-munching cab driver! Oh wait...(Well he calls me a slut all the time so we're even.)

On the flip side, no matter how much Americans are perceived to be ignorant and all the rest of it, there is definitely a love-hate relationship whether Aussies admit it or not. Simply go to any newspaper stand and you’ll find every gossip magazine is graced by Hollywood celebs. Or turn on the TV at any given time and it’ll be broadcasting American TV shows (or Aussie versions of our shows like Big Brother, Biggest Loser, So You Think You Can Dance, and Australia’s Got Talent.). Not to mention many of our movies – blockbuster or not - are released here as well. Their celebrity obsession has everything to do with Hollywood. That's Hollywood, USA. So the million dollar question is, would there be such a pervasive invasion of American culture if there wasn't an overwhelming appetite for it? It’s Economics 101 of demand and supply.

Finally, my favorite quote so far about Americans was overheard when my housemate Ben and I were on the train to work and a bunch of Aussie schoolboys were chatting about boy stuff. When one of them brought up how stupid American-rules soccer is, another boy responded, "Americans eat hamburgers!" which gave Ben and me a good chuckle.

In conclusion, Australian grown-ups think Americans are fat and stupid while their kids sum us up in one phrase: we eat hamburgers. Perhaps I should start introducing myself as Canadian. Only kidding...No matter what, I'd still rather be called an ugly American than a boring Canadian, eh?

Aussie slang of the day:

Wombat is a furry animal in Australia (left picture) who eats roots and leaves .

In slang, wombat is used to describe a guy who likes one-night stands because he eats, roots*, and leaves.

*As you may recall from an earlier lesson, root is Aussie slang for shagging.

Pictures: Our first book club brunch meeting at Blue Train Café where only 3 of the 6 members showed up to review Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen. Unlike my last book club with friends in DC (miss ya Sylv!), we were actually engaged in in-depth discussions about the book. Book club was followed by a visit to the National Gallery of Victoria and Buddhist Festival. I had a real nerdy, I mean, cultural, day.