Australia: Toilet Matters

If toilet humour isn't for you, then I suggest you skip this entry dedicated entirely to the porcelain god. I'll start with this tidbit of background information: Australian toilets have a dual-flush system developed by Caroma as an effective measure to conserve water in a drought-ridden country. Use the "half flush" button (usually indicated by a half moon) when you go #1. Use the "full flush" button (full moon) when you go #2. This can save up to 67% of water usage by using an average of 3.8 litres of water per flush as opposed to the traditional 11 litres of water.

Now that you know how toilets in Australia work, I'll move on to why this topic became of interest. There seems to be a little problem with shitting at work as of late. Well, not me...One day at work I noticed a laminated poster in every bathroom stall, positioned strategically so that it is right at eye level when you are sitting down on the toilet. When I realised the poster gave directions on how to properly use a toilet, I couldn't help but laugh out loud. The pictures (see left) explicitly demonstrated the correct way of usage is to sit on the toilet seat - not squat on top of the toilet or next to the toilet. There have been complaints that people are squatting - leaving footprints on the toilet seat and/or "matter" on the floor. Fingers quickly pointed to new immigrants from South Asia, and I quickly reminded everyone I'm an American (or Canadian rather). A few of these posters have since been taken down - I'm assuming they were stolen as souvenirs. Hmm...not a bad idea. Maybe I should pilfer one myself so I can post it on our home bathroom wall for shits and giggles (pun intended).

Then last Friday I was told that someone allegedly defecated on someone else's desk. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, you ask? No, unfortunately not. Who? How? Why? How? In a corporate environment? Not to mention I work at The Bank, one of the big four "pillars" in Australia. Security initiated an investigation but who knows when or how that will be resolved. Can you imagine being that poor guy coming into work to find a pile of fecal matter on your desk - talk about having a crappy morning! What we can't figure out as spectators is whether or not the perpetrator did the deed directly on the desk or carried it from the bathroom.

And while we're on the topic, if you enjoy toilet humour as much as I do, you have to check out a very Australian movie called Kenny which I've heard is coming to America (or just download it). Kenny is a plumber and the entire movie centres around, well, toilets. Some parts are disgustingly graphic (as in spewing brown stuff) but it is laugh-out-loud hilarious; and I highly recommend watching it while not eating. You should also put subtitles on as the very thick Aussie accent may get lost in translation to the untrained American ear.

Aussie Word of the Day:
Dunny is Australian slang for toilet.
Example: Where's the dunny? I gotta go or there will be a yellow river running down my legs.