RV DAY 30: BISON AND COYOTES AND BEARS, OH MY!

Happy summer campers!  Before we arrived at Yellowstone, the only thing I really knew about  the national park was that it was home to the Old Faithful geyser. Since Justin had visited as a kid with his family and thought it to be too touristy, we originally planned to stay for only a couple nights to be with our friends. But we ended up staying for an entire week after realizing it is so much more than just a tourist trap. Yellowstone is America’s first national park (est. 1872 by Pres. Ulysses S. Grant) and sits on over two million acres of natural wonders spanning Idaho, Montana, and Wyoming. More than half of the world’s geysers are here (over 300!), while colorful wild flowers like purple lupines and pink wild roses adorn the fields. Wildlife watching is also a must – but I prefer to see the bigger (and more dangerous) mammals only from afar.

The six of us entered the park through the West Entrance and went south to see Old Faithful erupt.  The Old Faithful Inn has a clock letting you know their prediction of the next eruption, which is about 90 – 120 minutes apart (give or take 10 minutes). Thousands of tourists gather around to watch it erupt, and when the eruption starts, the geyser spits up for a while before going up about 100 feet in the air, strong sulfur (rotten egg) smell fills the atmosphere, and then everyone cheers. But not all geysers are that predictable – Steamboat Geyser is the world’s tallest but has not erupted since 2005. [Here’s how geysers work: the water for geysers comes from rain and snow that seeps into the ground. Then magma (hot molten rock) heats up the surrounding rocks which then boil the water that has seeped underground. When the water gets hot enough, it begins to rise back up towards the surface. Geysers need strong “pipes” or silica that form a plumbing system to withstand a violent eruption. Other thermal features in Yellowstone are hot springs (pools filled with hot water but do not erupt), mudpots (pools filled with hot bubbling mud), and steam vents that just let off steam with not much water.]

After dining at the Old Faithful Inn, we continued east to the Fishing Bridge RV park. (This was one of the few campgrounds at Yellowstone that you can reserve ahead of time, but it is the most expensive, crowded, and least attractive so don’t camp there.) The next morning, we hiked through the Pelican Valley which I highly recommend for wildlife viewing, but don’t hike alone – the trail was closed after three miles due to high bear activity (as in fresh carcasses). It is a beautiful open valley that stretches for miles and definitely requires binoculars, but Justin the eagle eye quickly spotted two gray wolves chasing a herd of bison. All I saw were little black and brown dots. Throughout the week, we caught a glimpse of other wildlife around the park: squirrels and chipmunks (woop-dee-doo), marmot, mule deer, osprey (the only type of eagle that dives into the water to eat fish), moose, bald eagle, coyote, and raven (which Justin could not resist taking a picture of with his middle finger to demonstrate a “F*ck you, Baltimore Ravens!” from a Steelers fan).  We have yet to run into a grizzly (thank god), bighorn sheep, and mountain lion. [Here’s a little side note about wolves that we learned: wolves were taken out of the park for 70 years to protect the elk and deer and bison from the predator but were reintroduced back into the ecosystem in 1995. While the wolves thrive, bears also benefit – when a wolf pack makes a kill, bears would smell the carcass, make their way over and scare the wolves off to get a free meal! Must be nice to be at the top of the food chain. As for grizzlies, in the early 1900s, they used to have a lot of interaction with humans when humans used to leave food out in the trash bins for the bears to feed on and thousands of tourists would gather around these bins to have a bear viewing. But rangers realized how dangerous this was for both bears and humans (after a fatal attack in the 40s), so it took decades of reform to change the habits of bears and attitudes of humans. Now the saying is “A fed bear is a dead bear.” Everyone must take special precautions when hiking and camping in bear country – don’t leave any traces of food out. Bears quickly learn and associate humans with food and may become aggressive and violent. Countless bears have been taken out of Yellowstone and sent to zoos all over the world for that very reason.]

After our friends departed Yellowstone to move on to their next destination, it was back to the two of us so we moved our base camp to Norris, a more central part of the park and also a much nicer campground for half the price. We explored just about every part of Yellowstone by motorcycle which was a fantastic way to get around. By day, we packed enough food and water for hiking, boating, and exploring various hot springs. By dusk, I attended ranger talks on various subjects like grizzly bears and bison, while Justin attempted to fish. Luckily, the recent oil spill in the Yellowstone River in Montana has not affected the park.  

With the wealth of information I learned, as you can tell, I am well on my way to becoming a Junior Ranger!

Next stop: Missoula, Montana. Over and out.

Here's what NOT to do - stepping on the hydrothermal areas like these idiot tourists - it could break easily and kill you with scalding water. 

RV DAY 24: ENTERING BEAR COUNTRY AT GRAND TETONS

  

Holy grizzly campers! We have now entered bear country at the Grand Tetons National Park in Wyoming where we spent two nights at the Colter Bay campground. Luckily, our campsite (# 273) has a trail that leads back to Jackson Lake just 50 yards behind the forest. If we stayed at any other site, we would not have found such a gem. The glassy water against a backdrop of snowcapped mountains was where we created our own happy hour, dipping our feet in the icy cold water while having wine and cheese. Campfire by sunset was also a must, grilling hot dogs and vegetarian sausages, corn on the cob, yams and asparagus, followed by s’mores for dessert.

The next day we drove down the Teton Park Road and hiked around Jenny Lake on the Cascade Canyon turnout and stopped at Inspiration Point for a scenic picnic lunch. We opted to take the shuttle boat back instead of hiking back on the same trail - $7 per person for the boat ride was well worth it on a scorching hot day! Happy hour was at the Jackson Lake Lodge where we gorged on nachos and guacamole and huckleberry mojitos while sighting two grizzly cubs from far far away in the meadows.

On the third day, we went up the road to hike around Two Ocean Lake. We left the binoculars in the RV and forgot to take the bear spray with us – two essential items when seeking wildlife. Halfway through the trail, we found fresh bear scat and a big dirt patch under the tree. We realized we were stepping into a bear’s den and quickly retreated. We were nervous the entire hike back to our car - six idiots without bear spray yelling “Hey Bear!” in bear habitat. But we made it back safely without incident, except we came across a duck’s head ripped off from the body on the side of the trail. And with that grim thought, we departed Grand Tetons to head north.

Next stop: Yellowstone (where there was a recent fatal grizzly bear attack). Over and out.

RV DAY 21: RODEO AND SHAKIRA AT JACKSON

Howdy campers! After we dropped Colin off at Reno airport, we continued our journey northeast to stop by the Craters of the Moon in Idaho. It is a small national park where the land is made of black sand with craters from volcanic activity. You really feel like you are walking on the moon but only a couple hours there is enough. Then we were off to Jackson, WY where we met up with our next set of visitors – my girlfriend Vy from SF, Justin’s childhood friend Bean living in HK, and his two friends from London, Alex and Jon who are all here for a wedding in Idaho. Jackson is a quaint little town, not to be confused with Jackson Hole, the nearby ski area. While the boys went white water rafting early in the morning, Vy and I brunched and shopped around the main town square. Jon the Brit was a bit nervous because river levels are at a record high due to unusual amount of snowfall this year and there was news that someone died from rafting just the day before. Nonetheless, everyone survived and we spent the evening at the rodeo.

If you’ve never been to a rodeo, it is quite a comic relief, though probably not on purpose. The emcee sounded like a real cowboy, dropping “hee haw” in every other sentence while playing Bon Jovi and other 80s hits. When he kept saying “the bucking post,” the boys thought he said “the f*cking post” and couldn’t stop laughing with tears rolling down their cheeks. Cowboy after cowboy did various stunts on a horse like lasso a cow or some obstacle course that we didn’t really understand. They were joined by adorable junior 5-year-old cowboys and cowgirls who tried riding on a sheep but only one succeeded while everyone else fell under the sheep before they could get on. The halftime show included midget duffers singing in a chicken suit and a contest with kids chasing cattle to grab a flag for a prize which was complete mayhem and ended in tears. Then came cowgirls riding their horse across performing various stunts. Unfortunately, only the first cowgirl was blonde and pretty; the rest were more mannish with thunder thighs, but nonetheless impressive. The show finale was the ever exciting bull riding which ended with the bull trampling on a midget (we soon realized it was a dummy midget so no actual humans were harmed). What is with the rodeo and midgets?

After the rodeo, we made our way to the famous Million Dollar Cowboy Bar. The bouncer discreetly informed us that Shakira was at the bar, but she was hard to find amongst so many cowboy-hat-wearing patrons. After Justin got a table at the back of the bar, the rest of us joined him and realized that Shakira and her boyfriend were sitting at the table right next to us. Vy and Bean proceeded to sit right next to them – Vy wanted to tell Shakira she is also a fellow Bruin (UCLA alum). She was wearing a turquoise plait shirt with jeans, and he was donning a cowboy hat and a white t-shirt with jeans. To be honest, they were a bit nondescript other than the fact that they were shamelessly making out like it was high school prom – his hand up her shirt and all over her ass. And speaking of ass, where is that ass she’s so famous for? Shakira was a TINY little girl and there was barely an ass on her! If I wasn’t told that it was Shakira, I wouldn’t have given her a second look. Then the Brits told us her boyfriend is a famous football (soccer) player for Barcelona and were surprised at his equally diminutive stature. Of course they would be the only two people in the entire bar who could identify the guy since no Americans follow soccer. Jon the Brit shameless took pictures of them with his iPhone until finally they got up and left the bar. We also left our table to play a few rounds of pool. Then on our way home, we came across a dance party at KoShu Wine Bar (which Vy and I heard about from Zeb the local guy who gave us a ride when we hitchhiked earlier). We danced until three in the morning and made an obligatory drunken pit stop at the convenient store where we wolfed down a box of powdered donuts. Ahh, fond memories of Jackson indeed. 

Next stop: Grand Tetons. Over and out.

RV DAY 17: SPARKLE PONIES AND SPANKY’S WINE BAR

Happy Independence Day campers! Did your 4th of July involve a couple of sparkle ponies, a sword fighting tranny, a drunken genie, naked flame throwers, hippie stew, an exploding frog bat, and fireworks so close you can feel the debris? That pretty much sums up how we spent our week celebrating Independence Day.

For the past few years, hundreds of burners* gather at Black Rock City, NV for an unofficial Burningman occasion called the 4th of Juplaya. It is supposedly what Burningman used to be before it became a huge organized event with undercover cops. We picked up Colin, our first guest and Justin’s oldest friend since three years old, at the Reno airport and spent the day preparing for the week. Their parents are also close friends who must be wondering what the boys are doing “camping in the dessert.”

Colin and Justin tried their luck in fishing at Pyramid Lake, an Indian reservation, but they couldn’t even catch a cold, so we made our way to the Frog Pond where Spanky’s Wine Bar camped this year. The Frog Pond is located a few miles outside the dessert, or “playa” as it is called, so it is not nearly as hot and dusty. We were the only camp there while everyone else camped on the playa. The Frog Pond has a natural hot springs that attracted many burners from morning to night, quickly turning the hot springs into “hippie stew.” There was no way in hell we were getting in without our immunization shots. Across the street from the Frog Pond was a shooting range where I fired a shotgun. The kickback hurt like hell but I was glad I did not dislocate a shoulder. One camp created a giant frog bat that was filled with gasoline so a bunch of gun lovers can shoot at it and make it explode. We were all there to watch the burn, then we left when part of the area caught on fire.

Spanky’s Wine Bar not only served free wine and beer, we also featured a bondage wall where you get tied up to be spanked. Next to the bondage wall was the orgasmatron - a riding contraption with a massive vibrating Hitachi (guess what it is if you don’t already know) which provoked a protest when a male patron was told the orgasmatron was only for women. He and his friends came back an hour later with picket signs made out of cardboard. You can also play a game of dirty dice at the bar where you roll dice to perform certain dares. Justin’s punishment from rolling a nine was rubbing an ice cube all over his penis in front of the whole bar (you may call him “Ice Dick,”) then he had to pole dance like a stripper for rolling a seven.

Spanky’s is comprised of an eclectic group of about 20 fun and crazy characters that I couldn’t even make up if I tried. There was Admiral Pain Joy, our camp leader / DJ who loves walking around in a pink thong and doling out funny one-liners on the microphone. There was also Suzi, our favorite tranny who loves swinging her Japanese sword while drunk. When Buck from Boston was trying out the sword, I warned him to be careful not to chop off his penis – he couldn’t believe I said that in front of a transvestite. My friend Jacki and I were called Sparkle Ponies because “we don’t do any work other than stand around and look pretty.” While it is meant to be a backhanded compliment, we owned up to it and decided that we will create our own camp at Burningman called My Little Sparkle Ponies. We will decorate our camp with sparkling objects and My Little Ponies and invite everyone to join us so they can do all the work like set up our camp and cook for us while we get dolled up and dazzle them with our wit. Sounds pretty true to life anyway – that is why people like me marry people like Justin. Another example: when Jacki got a flat tire, Mark quickly came to the rescue and changed it for her while we blew bubbles. Finally, there was Tex the Lurker. He was a clean-cut 20 year old who appeared out of nowhere and did not belong to our camp. But he was often seen behind the bar drinking wine and inside people’s trailers pilfering food. The balls on that kid!

On our last night, we drove to the playa to watch fireworks. The fireworks were just as spectacular as they would be in any big city, but this was even better because we were only 50 yards away so the fireworks were directly above us. Mark decided to take Tex the Lurker with us so he couldn’t go through our belongings while we were gone. When we visited another camp, Tex wasted no time in serving himself a drink. We quickly returned to our camp, abandoning him there so now he was someone else’s problem. We realized that he left his backpack at our camp, so we did what anyone would do – go through it! We found his passport which one of us drew a Spanky’s Wine Bar stamp on the page next to the Holland stamp – won’t say who it was because everyone’s fingerprints are all over that thing. There was a flame baton and other random knickknacks that he must have stolen. We also found a note he wrote with “bike, money, job” and a list of people he owed money to. The next morning while we were shutting down the wine bar and cleaning up, the always resourceful Tex the Lurker showed up at the pond with his new friends. After mooping** up the pond, we met up for our last lunch at Bruno’s in Gerlach, said our goodbyes and went our separate ways. Until next year, Spanky’s…

Next stop: Jackson, WY. Over and out.

*Burners: (n) People who participate in Burningman
**Moop: (n) Matter Out of Place – to moop up means to clean up all the moop

RV DAY 9: HOODOOS AT BRYCE CANYON

Howdy campers! After a bit of a mishap – we almost lost our spare tire and the motorcycle driving on washboard roads that rattled for miles, we safely made our way to Bryce Canyon in southern Utah. This fantastic national park is made up of hoodoos – pillars of rock of different shapes left by erosion. We started our hike at Sunset Point and walked through “Wall Street” on the Navajo Loop Trail which looked like something out of an Indian Jones movie, then continued onto the Peekaboo Loop Trail to Bryce Point where we took the shuttle back to Sunset Point.

As we hiked under the blazing sun, everywhere we turned, there were miles upon miles of phallic hoodoos standing erect. According to the Paiutes people who lived there for thousands of years, hoodoos are the “Legend People” whom Coyote had turned to stone. There was even a section of hoodoos that looked like a village of subjects listening to the king and queen. If you let your imagination run wild, these hoodoos can become anything you want! The hike took about four hours, which you can also do by horseback. When we returned to Sunset Point, we cooked and ate dinner while watching the sunset cast a nice pink glow to the hoodoos.
And sure enough, Justin got hit on by yet another middle-aged man. He has been approached every single day by older men commenting on the RV or motorcycle or even the Steelers sticker on our window. This time it was an Aussie who spotted Justin from afar wearing a Kangaroos jersey (Aussie Football team). The man remarked in his thick Aussie accent, "G'day mate! I think you're an American right? I noticed you've got a Roos jumper on and had to come over. I'm an Essendon fan myself." They chatted for a bit before the Aussie left for his tour bus. I told Justin we should have offered him a Tim Tam (best Aussie chocolate cookie!)

Next stop: 4th of Juplaya. Over and out.

RV DAY 8: SUNRISE AT THE GRAND CANYON

Top of the morning campers! After our wonderful time at Zion, we continued our journey to the Grand Canyon. We decided against visiting both the North Rim and the South Rim, because even though the two rims stand only 10 miles apart, it takes 215 miles to get there by road around the canyon. Since they haven’t built a skywalk and we are not birds who can swiftly fly from one rim to the other, we chose the less touristy North Rim. Plus it was my birthday, so I did not have to lift a finger for an entire day. My slave did all the work (yes I called him “slave” all day too), which meant the usual 70/30 split of responsibility was now 99/1. I did help out on a couple occasions when I felt like it – like getting a napkin.

We celebrated my birthday relaxing at the Grand Canyon Lodge, as my bicycle injuries prevented any difficult hikes. The lodge had a great viewing room with three huge windows and rows of leather sofas. Unfortunately, the design was slightly flawed (no offense to the architects). When you sit down on the sofa, you sink so low that you only see the sky, not the grand canyon as it is blocked by the window frames. Either the windows should have been floor to ceiling or the room should have been built with stadium seating to allow for better viewing.

After watching sunset with wine on the porch and dining at the lodge where the food was slightly overcooked, we attended a star gazing party hosted by the volunteers of the Phoenix Saguaro Astronomy Club. We were very lucky to catch the last night of this week-long star gazing event. When we peered through one of the telescopes, Saturn at 250 billion miles away looked like a sticker from the Air and Space Museum. Since both the earth and Saturn were rotating at the same time, it appeared as though Saturn was moving away from one end of the telescope to the other.

When we retired for the evening, we set our alarms for 4:30 am to catch the sunrise at 5:11. The sky was pitch black when the alarm went off. Still half asleep, we stumbled our way to the vista point, but the sky still didn’t look anywhere close to sunrise and we were the only two fools out there. When I turned off airplane mode on the iPhone to check email, the time suddenly changed from 4:50 am to 3:50 am. DOH! The phone was on airplane mode when we switched time zones! We could have slept for an extra hour. We both laughed at Justin's idiotic mistake and sat there shivering for another hour before everyone else started appearing with their cameras as the sun slowly rose. But watching the beautiful pink sunrise on the Grand Canyon was well worth it!

Next stop: Bryce Canyon. Over and out.

RV GRAND TOUR

 Hey Campers! Here's the grand tour of Margaritaville. 

 

 



Formal dining room and grand ball room - couch turns into a bed for 1 adult and dining chairs turn into a bed for 1 child or midget.

   

Spacious cab above the driver's seat can sleep 2 adults - just don't bump your head!



Kitchen with full pantry



Shower for those under 6'2



Full bathroom





Master bedroom in the back