Colorado: 10-Step Program to Become a Ski Bum

As a poser ski bunny, I will never understand the obsession that true diehard ski bums feel for their sport. But living with Justin and our roommate Kevin, two fanatics whose ski pass is more valuable than gold, I get to witness it on a daily, nay, hourly basis. I’ve also met many fellow fanatics since moving here who share the same maniacal passion. They are ski snobs who spend a fortune on equipment and refuse to ski on shitty conditions (like on the East Coast) or on the weekends when it’s packed with tourists. They wear a permanent goggle tan and have ski report's phone number on their speed dial. Their conversations revolve solely around snow and skiing. They follow the weather forecast as religiously as Hillary’s aides follow Obama’s polls. When there’s even an inkling that snow is coming, everyone rallies at the crack of dawn to listen to the snow report and see just exactly how much snow has fallen and what the conditions are. And that will determine whether it will be a ski day or a work day.

As far as I can see, the local ski bums (which does not include tourists or weekend skiers from Denver) fall into several categories. They are either unemployed living off of their savings / trust funds / unemployment (aka Justin), or own their own business where they can take off at the drop of a hat (a la Kevin - left pic), or work two to three part-time jobs to make ends meet (as in the case of most everyone else). And don’t be surprised if the hostess at the local restaurant holds a Master in English and also teaches at the community college (like our friend Rachel). Or if the waitress is a medical student who is also a ski instructor (like our friend Eve). Or if the stoner working at a coffee shop has an Engineering degree. Breckenridge is a very highly educated town where the number of residents who hold a college degree or higher is way above the national average. But you’d never know judging by the occupations they hold. That’s because they are all here for one purpose and one purpose only: to ride or die. Literally.

Case in point: a couple months ago when Vail had a massive dump and snow was measured in feet and not inches, Justin and Kevin woke up at six in the morning to drive 45 minutes out to be the first ones on the ski lift and skied all day until the very last lift. Eight days in a row, they skied themselves to their death bed because on the ninth day, they were both bedridden for a week with a fever of 101. But to them, it was all worth it. They couldn’t stop grinning or talking about it for weeks. Every jump they launched, every rope they ducked, every out-of-bounds terrain they skied down…The way they described their experience with minute detail, it was as if I was there. (I, of course, was the responsible one and worked during those eight days.)

Since I am now an expert through osmosis, here is a 10-step program to become a ski bum for those of you who are considering:

Step 1: Relocate to a ski town and get at least two part-time jobs.
Step 2: Buy a ski pass and make friends with local ski bums.
Step 3: Learn ski lingo like powder and groomed and whiteout.
Step 4: Watch the weather forecast every hour.
Step 5: If the snow is good, go to Step 6. If the snow is average, go to Step 7. If the snow is no good, go to Step 8.
Step 6: Ditch work, do some hippie speed balls*, and ski all day. Go to Step 9.
Step 7: Go for a few runs anyway. That’ll be your exercise for the day. Go to Step 9.
Step 8: Go to work. Then do something else like cross-country ski. Or watch free porn on the Internet. Or go bowling. Or attend pottery class and make a bong or a plate or a butt plug. Go to Step 9.
Step 9: Attend après-ski happy hour with friends. Meet a fellow ski bunny/ski bum and get laid.
Step 10: Repeat Steps 5 through 9 until the end of ski season (April 20th).

*Recipe for hippie speed balls: 1 cup of black coffee followed by 3-5 bong hits.