Australia: A Fete Fit For an 80's Prom Queen

This past weekend we celebrated a very momentous occasion - my 25th birthday - with a fancy dress party (fancy dress is what Aussies call costumes). In honor of the upcoming forth of July, we made the costume theme American Pop Culture. And in typical Ms. Evan fashion where the tackier the better, I crowned myself prom queen 80's style. When we went shopping for our costumes at Salvos (Salv. Army) and found an iridescent bridesmaid A-line skirt and a purple satin pillow case, I knew I could turn it into something spectacular with Nokomi's help. My fairy godmother is a miracle worker and a genius at the sewing machine (not to mention a multi-talented chanteuse and trained dancer). With some black tulle and sequined fabric, Nokomi magically transformed my pillow case and bridesmaid skirt into a fabulous 80's prom dress in just 2 days. I added gaudy pearls, silver gloves, prom queen sash, fishnet stockings and a tiara to complete the look.
As for the party, we decked the house with American flags and red/white/blue balloons (thanks to Brian who arrived that morning from the US and is here to visit for a month) and served American nibbles like mac 'n cheese, rice krispy treats, deviled eggs, pizza, cupcakes, hot dogs, and Budweiser. Justin also compiled a 7-hour music list consisted of all American tunes from Michael Jackson to Madonna to Eminem to Guns 'n Roses. Over half of the twenty plus guests actually dressed up in a costume, not a disappointing success rate if you ask me. Guests included Don Johnson from Miami Vice who also doubled as my prom king, Maverick from Top Gun, Redneck/American Brian, Playboy Bunny, Audrey Hepburn from Breakfast at Tiffany's, Felicity Shagwell, Austin Powers, Harry from Dumb and Dumber, and Paris Hilton. We drank, danced, played beer pong and flip cup (the girls kicked the guys' ass three times in a row), and partied like it was 1985. I was caught drinking straight out of the punch bowl. Before I knew it, I passed out in my prom dress and woke up the next morning still drunk with a massive hangover and found our house looking and smelling like the aftermath of a frat party. Nonetheless I couldn't have imagined a more festive way to turn 25. Quarter of a century. I am getting up there aren't I? Oh alright... I'M THIRTY OKAY? THIRTY! BIG 3-0! I'M AN OLD BAG WITH WRINKLES AND SAGGING BOOBS AND GRAYING PUBES! I actually think I'm handling this major milestone considerably well. I mean, I'm not thrilled about leaving my 20's behind but I guess they say 30 is the new 20. So hooray for me and all my fabulous old fart friends who are turning 30 this year. What would you have dressed up as if you were at my party?
Aussie word of the day:
Slab means a carton of beer (24 pack)
Example: Gotta get a couple slabs for the party tonight.

Australia: Ugly American

After three full months of residing in Oz, I can formulate based on my sound research a fair assessment of how Aussies view Americans. The general consensus is that we are a bunch of loud-mouth, obnoxious, rude, wasteful, xenophobic, unworldly fat f*cks who sleep with our siblings/animals/grandmas and throw chairs at each other on Jerry Springer. The clip of Ms. South Carolina (2007 Teen USA) that has been shared and mocked around the world thanks to YouTube - who answered the judge's question with gibberish about Americans not owning maps and helping South Africa - definitely hasn't helped things either. Here are a few examples of how Aussies perceive Americans.

One commercial on TV shows two American financial planners explaining to their Australian clients that if they invest wisely, they will live very comfortably in America (while pointing to a map of Australia) and retire in Florida (while pointing to New Zealand) where deers (showing a picture of kangaroos) roam free. It's a funny stab at Americans, but that stereotype is supported by the unfortunate fact that almost 75% of Americans don't even have a passport, most of us do not know world geography (can't even locate Australia on a map), and we all seem to think the world revolves around our nation. On the contrary, every Australian I've met is well versed in world affairs (they know more about the Hillary/Obama election than I do!), can identify every country/capital/flag, and has lived overseas and/or travelled extensively around the globe.

In yesterday's mX (Australian's free newspaper in Melbourne/Sydney/Brisbane), an article revealed a blog site where Americans living in Australia complain about how Aussies stink, literally, and should drink less beer (which apparently is partly to blame for the stench), wash their hair more often, and use more deodorant. The response to that by a contributing writer was less than kind, stating, "The most culturally bland, fast-food consuming, over-exposed citizens on Earth have a problem with the way Aussies smell...the Americans are shooting their mouths off again." Come on Yanks! If you are an expat living somewhere else, at least have a tiny shred of respect for the citizens of your host country and avoid insulting them. That's like calling your half-Indian boyfriend curry-munching cab driver! Oh wait...(Well he calls me a slut all the time so we're even.)

On the flip side, no matter how much Americans are perceived to be ignorant and all the rest of it, there is definitely a love-hate relationship whether Aussies admit it or not. Simply go to any newspaper stand and you’ll find every gossip magazine is graced by Hollywood celebs. Or turn on the TV at any given time and it’ll be broadcasting American TV shows (or Aussie versions of our shows like Big Brother, Biggest Loser, So You Think You Can Dance, and Australia’s Got Talent.). Not to mention many of our movies – blockbuster or not - are released here as well. Their celebrity obsession has everything to do with Hollywood. That's Hollywood, USA. So the million dollar question is, would there be such a pervasive invasion of American culture if there wasn't an overwhelming appetite for it? It’s Economics 101 of demand and supply.

Finally, my favorite quote so far about Americans was overheard when my housemate Ben and I were on the train to work and a bunch of Aussie schoolboys were chatting about boy stuff. When one of them brought up how stupid American-rules soccer is, another boy responded, "Americans eat hamburgers!" which gave Ben and me a good chuckle.

In conclusion, Australian grown-ups think Americans are fat and stupid while their kids sum us up in one phrase: we eat hamburgers. Perhaps I should start introducing myself as Canadian. Only kidding...No matter what, I'd still rather be called an ugly American than a boring Canadian, eh?

Aussie slang of the day:

Wombat is a furry animal in Australia (left picture) who eats roots and leaves .

In slang, wombat is used to describe a guy who likes one-night stands because he eats, roots*, and leaves.

*As you may recall from an earlier lesson, root is Aussie slang for shagging.

Pictures: Our first book club brunch meeting at Blue Train Café where only 3 of the 6 members showed up to review Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen. Unlike my last book club with friends in DC (miss ya Sylv!), we were actually engaged in in-depth discussions about the book. Book club was followed by a visit to the National Gallery of Victoria and Buddhist Festival. I had a real nerdy, I mean, cultural, day.

Australia: Occupational Hazard

The current selection in my roster of books is called Emergency Sex and Other Desperate Measures - a memoir by three UN workers on peace keeping missions to export democracy and restore peace in war-torn countries in the 90's. The authors are my new heroes (move over Britney!) as they dodge bullets, UN bureaucracy, and other occupational hazards to save lives. Every morning on my train ride to work, I am transported to a dangerous and alluring world of massacres and genocides. Sometimes I even drift off into my own literary fantasy while staring blankly at the pages of my book.

Time is present day. Location is some remote town in Africa. Along with fellow foreign aid workers, we are dressed in our UN uniforms and have secretly opened a relief camp to provide food and medical help for survivors of a genocide mission. "Roger Roger. This is Persimmon 321 [my code name]. Is this Currylicious 69 [Justin's code name]? We have an emergency situation. Cupcakes are running low. I repeat. Cupcakes are running low. I did not mean to finish off the last dozen but they were mocha with cinnamon frosting. We need to replenish. STAT. I mean, ROGER. I mean, OVER! And bring some milk, too. Persimmon out!"

"We are now approaching Flagstaff station," interrupts the female voice on the intercom and I am snapped back into reality. As I head into the office, I find myself in a war zone of my own. Working conditions are subpar. The kitchen is the size of a koala's butthole with appliances older than your momma. Our floor is undergoing construction so we are sniffing in sawdust on a daily basis while exposing our ears to constant cacophony of hammering nails and tripping over metal cranes. Our occupational health is hazardously jeopardized. Then I receive a new laptop and am told it is my responsibility to assemble it together with my monitor and docking station. Not only do I have to carry all the equipment by myself, I am on all fours attempting to connect cables and such. This is way outside the perimeters of my job description. My piano hands are not intrinsically meant for such heavy lifting and manual labor (they are made for writing and piano playing and occasionally jerking off Currylicious 69.) Nonetheless, I am armed with my Clark Kent glasses and a laptop on a mission to improve The Bank's business process and increase their bottom line. Just what every wide-eyed idealistic girl dreams of in saving the world one Australian dollar* at a time.

*At the time of this entry, AU$ 1 = US$ 0.958.

Aussie word of the day:
Stumps: slang for end of the day
Example: Deliver those cupcakes and milk to the base camp by stumps!
Note: Stumps is a cricket term meaning the end of the day's play.

Australia: Jazzas and Maccas

Aussies love assigning nicknames to everyone and everything. For first names, they take your first initial and append it with "azza" so Karen becomes Kazza, Jeremy becomes Jazza, and so on. For last names, they take the first syllable and add an "o" or "ie" - Lambert is Lambo and Brown is Brownie. Similar approach is used for cities and places: Brisbane = Brissy, Salvation Army = Salvo, McDonald's = Maccas. When a word can be shortened, it most likely is: footy for football, brekky for breakfast, parma for chicken parmigiana, roo for kangaroo, and arvo for afternoon.

An even more interesting (and weird) method is rhyming nicknames. Rather than trying to explain how it works which I'm not so sure I can do, I'll illustrate by using examples. At a football game, when a player scores, fans yell out "Sausage!" Why? Because sausage goes with roll (as in "sausage roll") and roll rhymes with goal but somehow roll was dropped so it's just sausage. When someone says, "Pass the dead horse" it means "Pass the ketchup." Well, Aussies call ketchup tomato sauce and they pronounce "dead horse" as dead'ause which rhymes with tomato sauce. Of course for me and you there is absolutely no logic behind it whatsoever but I guess somehow it makes sense to Aussies. Here's a couple more: To wear a "bag of fruits" means a tie and suit (well at least fruit actually does rhyme with suit). Lastly, Americans are called "Seppos" because Septic tank rhymes with Yank. I'm sure there are heaps more but this Seppo's got to go.

Aussie word of the day:
Ta: thank you
Example: [Waiter:] Here's your bill. [You:] Ta.

Pictures: Our friend Miss K put on a fabulous one-woman musical comedy show at the incredibly kitschy Butterfly Club in South Melbourne. Afterwards we each got the special drink of the week called Skinny Cunt. When some girl asked the bartender what was in it, I said "Me!"