Australia: Calling All Fare Evaders

The public transportation system in Melbourne called Metlink is very convenient, although its cleanliness is another story. When you buy a ticket, you can use it on the bus, tram, or train. Trams even have GPS built in so you can check on the monitor (right picture) when the next tram will arrive. While Metlink is nothing special to write home about, I did notice a humorous ad campaign known as Karma Central with life size posters all around the city warning citizens of fare evasion. The message is simple: if you don't pay your way, something bad will happen like getting splashed by water or sitting on a freshly painted bench. My favorite ad is the girl with her skirt stuck in her granny panties (because that could so happen to me!)

I didn't understand why there was a need for such an ubiquitous ad campaign. When you ride the train, you have to buy a ticket to pass through the turnstiles and the turnstiles are guarded by attendants at major stations. Then I rode the tram and understood why. I'd guesstimate that only two out of ten passengers actually validate their tickets when they get on the tram. According to Metlink's website, it is estimated that fare evasion costs the system $48 million a year in lost revenue. At first I thought it was only cheap Asians or Indians, but as I watched carefully, I realized that like cancer or venereal disease, fare evasion is an unbiased affliction regardless of race, gender, age, or class. Just about everyone gets on and sits right down without paying for the ride. While it's tempting to save a few bucks, I'd highly advise you against fare evasion not because of karma, but because there are undercover hall monitors lurking around to check everyone for a validated ticket and fining violators $100. Hmmm...Since we're still unemployed, maybe we could pretend to be one of those hall monitors and fine people.

Photo of tram courtesy of Moorabbin Flying Services.

Australia: Bicycle Diaries

A mother in Thailand has to decide whether to sell her 5-year-old son to child prostitution to ameliorate their impoverished conditions. My sister is torn between getting layers cut or a body wave. A teenage girl gets knocked up the first time she has sex and is forced to choose what to do with the baby. A father caught in a political gunfire must decide whether to shoot back at armed forces surrounding his house while his family is still inside. Our housemate Ben, in his meticulously drawn-out process of furnishing his home, is facing a tough dilemma between the 40" plasma TV or the 46". As you can see, every day around the world each one of us has to make decisions that may affect the rest of our lives. Justin and I are no different - every morning we wake up with the same dilemma: do we look for a job or do we go for a bike ride? Every morning our question is conveniently and resolutely decided by Mother Nature who has blessed us with blue bird sky and warm weather.

This past week, we have gone on bike rides every single day leaving my ass as sore as an altar boy's at a Catholic church. And you know how Asian women can't drive, well it turns out we're not that good on bikes either especially when pedestrians and cars are around. Move out of my way Granny! Still, I am undeterred and think cycling is the most winsome and leisurely way to tour Melbourne. The best trip so far has been taking our bikes on the train to Brighton Beach, then ride along the bay to St. Kilda where we stopped for lunch at the famed Stokehouse. We didn't plan out our route or have any maps with us - we just kinda winged it and kept following the yellow brick bike trail. But somehow we managed to make it all the way home after a full day of riding 30 km. (This is eerily parallel to how we lead our lives: Pick a destination without much planning, have blind faith that we will make it there and back while eating good food along the way.) So when you decide to come for a visit, forget tour buses - we have decided to take you on day-long bike rides instead.

As for every one else's decisions? The Thai mother sold herself to prostitution to spare her young son. My sister got layers after her hairdresser promised to show her how to create body waves with a straightener. Juno had the baby with that cute dork from Superbad and gave it to Sydney Bristow. A 14-year-old girl is dead as a result of her Hamas father's decision to fire back at the Israeli Defense Forces. After we unanimously agreed that an extra 6 inches never hurt anybody Ben chose the Sony 46" TV which will arrive in the next couple days. And last but not least, Justin and I are still unemployed.

The last three photos courtesy of QGuide (St. Kilda seaside) and Murray Oz Blog (Brighton beach houses).

Australia: Happy ANZAC Day!

This past Friday was a national holiday known as ANZAC Day where 35,000 gathered at the Shrine of Remembrance in Melbourne for the Dawn Service. We considered attending but the thought of waking up at 5am was enough to squash that idea. According to the Australian War Memorial website, "ANZAC Day – 25 April – is probably Australia's most important national occasion. It marks the anniversary of the first major military action fought by Australian and New Zealand forces during the First World War. ANZAC stands for Australian and New Zealand Army Corps. The soldiers in those forces quickly became known as ANZACs, and the pride they soon took in that name endures to this day." Like our Memorial Day, ANZAC day is a great way for Aussies to get together with families and friends by a weekend getaway or barbeques and playing Two-Up (a traditional gambling game where you toss two coins and wager on either Heads or Tails.)

Our friends from Sydney - Yamen and Jo - came down to Melbourne for work and stayed for the holiday weekend. We started our own celebration with Bingo night (definitely not your granny's version) where you win tens of dollars worth of crap. Every time a certain number was called, we had to say a funny corresponding phrase. For example, when a number ends in 0, we raised our glasses and said "Cheers!" When there is a 2 or 22, we quacked like a duck. 72: "The old lady can't keep her poo!" 73: "The old lady can't keep her wee!" And so on. Ben even got to be a contestant for Wheel of Fortune and came home with the big prize of a gaudy fish lamp which complements the Tibetan rug in the living room quite well.

Bingo was then followed by a visit to Spearmint Rhino, a world-renowned gentlemen's club with locations in the UK, North America, Australia, and New Zealand. [Little side note about strip clubs: Justin is a strip club aficionado who has been to over 50 around the world and desires to marry a stripper. I went to my first outing to Mons Venus eight years ago in Tampa and have frequented many more since. The first time Justin and I hung out when we had a business meeting in San Francisco, I took him to the Gold Club and got us all in for free. He must have fallen in love with me back then. As you can see, strip clubs have a special place in our hearts.] With an affinity towards tits - big, small, fake, or real - Jo and I received a couple lap dances for 50 bucks a pop while the guys watched. One was from our favorite stripper by the name of Melody whose skin was as soft as a baby's butt. We couldn't stop touching her even when she reprimanded us and said I had "naughty hands." Hey it's not my fault her boobies fell right into my palms! Justin stood by the bar and after multiple advances, finally caved in to a hot stripper who was leaving for the night - and yes I paid for his lap dance as any good girlfriend should. The rest of us sat around the stage making those bitches work for their strip dollars. We all left around two but Ben stayed until closing...ironic considering he kept saying how degrading it was for the strippers but wouldn't discuss what didn't happen in the champagne room. I don't think it's degrading at all - we're merely helping them with their law school / single mother funds.

We topped off the weekend with a barbie and games like Jenga, Cranium, and Bullshit. Look at little Allegra try to get a beer!

Picture 1 courtesy of The Age.

Mommies in Business!

Two of my friends from the U.S. have started their own online business and I welcome you all to check them out. They are both mommies who have managed to have a family AND start their own company. Very admirable indeed...meanwhile I can't even keep a job let alone bear children!

CUPCAKE CUDDLES: Online baby store where you will find "favorite kid products that are fun, functional, and ones that you'll want to cuddle up with!" Their feature products include the Flipper: a super cute storing solution for toothbrushes (I used to have one of those but my ex-husband kept that along with the house and the car) and BabyLegs: leg warmers that will fit your baby's chubby thighs as well as pre-teens. Who doesn't want leg warmers to spice up an outfit? And in honor of my friend's baby's upcoming 1st birthday, the website is having a promotion - use the coupon code KATIE to receive 15% off. Coupon is valid until April 30, 2008.

10 PEAKS TRAVEL: Online travel agency that is similar to Expedia, Orbitz, or Travelocity except with better fares because there is no advertising cost increase. Book your next vacation here whether it's a cruise, golf outing, last-minute deals, and so much more!

Ok I'm done advertising for my friends. It's Bingo night! WOOHOO!

Ostraya Party!

I have no idea how an unemployed person such as myself can be so busy day in and day out. Ever since my manwhore's arrival last Tuesday, I have not had a free moment to just sit and relax or even get to read my book for our first book club meeting next week. We have been occupied with bike rides around Melbourne, shopping for food at the Queen Victoria's Market which is so overwhelming that it deserves its own entry, fixing the house, get-togethers with new friends...and oh yea, I even managed to squeeze in a few job interviews.

This past Saturday Nikki and Nokomi threw an Ostraya Party (Ostraya is how Aussies pronounce Australia) in honor of us - their American friends' arrival in their beloved country. The theme was obviously all things Australian, and the party was just another excuse for everyone to get shitfaced. Wearing the official colors of green and gold, we played footy and cricket at the park and picnicked with Aussie foods like pavlova, Anzac cookies, fairy bread (white bread with butter and sprinkles), lamingtons, and of course copious amount of beer and wine. After sun down, we moved the party to Nikki's and Nokomi's apartment where we continued eating and drinking. We also watched Kenny, a must-see Aussie comedy about a plumber who's down on his luck - it's a great story with a ton of shit jokes. (To my American friends: if you rent the DVD, make sure you have subtitles on. They talk way too fast in their Aussie accent for us to grasp half the jokes.) What a fabulous way to welcome us to Australia! Now it's back to my regular schedule of dance and yoga classes, dinners, themed parties, bike rides...We've got a movie premiere tonight and bingo tomorrow. Honestly, who has time to work???

Australia: Hairspray

You know there are times when you look at yourself in the mirror and think, "Wow check me out! I'm looking goooood." That usually happens when the lights are on the dim side or I've had a few drinks. Then there are times when do a double take because you realize the fugly biatch staring back at you is actually your own reflection and you think to yourself, "Holy shit! A face even my mother can't love. I wouldn't do me if I had a bag over my head."

Well I had that moment the other day when I went in for an interview with yet another recruiter (whom I couldn't stop staring at the gap between her two front teeth - it was so big you could floss them with a rope). When I was leaving the dunny (bathroom), I turned around to check in the mirror that I didn't have toilet paper hanging out of my ass. That's when I noticed how unruly and mousy and long my hair had grown. I admit - the time it takes me to do my hair is quicker than my minute man boyfriend - if that's even possible. Plus my worldly possessions do not include a comb or a hair dryer. And when I say "do my hair," I really mean comb my fingers through it once or twice and move on to getting dressed. Let me put it this way: if you saw me from behind, you would've thought I was a crazy homeless lady who stole someone's suit pretending to go to work, especially since my head tends to look all over place trying to find the right building. Therefore, I jumped on the bob bandwagon and chopped six inches off my hair with Nicole Ritche as my inspiration. I can't help being a slave to trends, but only trends that will look good on me. And since I can't help that most trends look good on me, I end up being a slave to most trends. It's a viscious cycle.

I sported my new haircut Friday night when we went out dancing at Bar94 in Richmond. Crikey, I wrote an entire entry on my hair...someone isn't self-centered at all.

Pictures: Friday night at Bar 94 with Nikki, Nokomi, Ben, Jimmy, Matt, Nathan (all Aussies). Bottom left: At my American friend Annie's beautiful spacious home in Toorak.

Australia: An Effective Government?

Americans reading this: you have two seconds to tell me who the Prime Minister of Australia is. One-Mississippi. Two-Mississippi. Time's up! It is the honorable Kevin Rudd, ladies and germs. The more I learn about him, the more I am in awe. With unprecedented approval ratings of 70%, SEVENTY PERCENT, Mr. Rudd is intelligent, well spoken, effective, and actually listens to the people and does what he promises. (None of which I can use to describe another president we know so well. ) As soon as Rudd and the Labor Party took office late last year from the National/Liberal Party led by John Howard who is well known for his love affair with Bush, he immediately ratified the Kyoto Agreement (to reduce greenhouse gas emissions for global climate control), leaving U.S. as the only industrialized nation not to do so. Then he apologized to the Indigenous Australians (Aborigines) for the mistreatment and removal of their children in the past (known as the Stolen Generation for racial purity). He also plans to withdraw Australian troops from Iraq. All this and so much more in just a few months. Earlier this week, at a speech Premier Rudd delivered in perfect Mandarin at Beijing University, he brazenly denounced the Chinese government for human rights abuses in Tibet. Well, our president is bi-lingual too! So what if Bush often pretends to speak fluent Spanish (Hola. Si Si. My name is Hennifer Lopez.) and actually thinks his party trick never gets old? Alright, that's enough. Who isn't sick of Bush-bashing already? Let's all move on to Rudd-loving.

Speaking of loooove, my manwhore whom I haven't seen or touched in a month arrives next week. He sent me a picture of his last day of skiing (as you may recall, the bastard stayed in Colorado to finish ski season before joining me) to subtly remind me that I have plucked him out of the mountains to live in the city. What is even more unfortunate is that I'll be on the bloody rag - pun intended - the day he arrives. How's that for timing?

Picture 1: Courtesy of Parliamentary Education Office

Picture 2: Justin launching off a big one on his skis

Australia: Flashdance

If you've never had the opportunity to watch Center Stage, then you are missing out on a true American classic that's in the same echelon as Flashdance and Dirty Dancing. You must go to Blockbuster and rent it immediately. I own the DVD and I've only watched it about a thousand times. Every Monday night my new friends - Nikki (monkey nuts), Nokomi (fat slut), Jenny (dyke) and I (dumb Yank) live out our own Center Stage moment at a Broadway dance class. It is the most fun I've had since my Bollywood class in India - way better than sex. The exhilarating class is an hour long and you jump right in dancing to catchy showtunes like Grease Lightning and Fame. The class moves at breakneck pace, a constant reminder of my atrociously apparent lack of rhythm, and you learn the steps as you go. Then half-way through, the instructor teaches you the choreography to a new song each week. Last week it was the theme song to Flashdance [What a feeling! Bein's Believing! I can't have it all, now I'm dancin' for my life...] I know everyone of you reading this just sang that song in your head, didn't you? Admit it.

We learned all the steps Irene Cara danced to in the audition scene. The steps go something like windmill, windmill, step, kick, turn... Oh what a feeling! The pure jollification of happy showtunes! This week it was a number from Chorus Line. Then on Wednesdays we will start attending the Jazz Hip Hop class. We are also looking into a Bollywood dance class but haven't found one yet. By the time I'm done in Australia, I might be good enough to dance backup on Broadway! Ok not really. I'm the one who's always off by half a beat - turning at the wrong time and stepping on everyone's toes - while the class is dancing in rhythmic unison. It's supposed to be a BEGINNER class! Those bitches are such show offs. Nevertheless, it's FANTASTIC having girls as new friends - Ben would rather "grate [his] balls with a cheese grater" (his words) than take a dance class with me. The girls and I even had a slumber party over the weekend with a Bollywood movie (Bride and Prejudice), a game of scrabble, and popcorn with M&Ms.

Between my daily job search, dance classes, book club (yes I just joined one), playing tourist/posing as a local, and meeting new friends, Melbourne is beginning to feel like home. I am having such a blast that I am starting to forget what's his name. God what IS his name? J...J...Jimmy? No that's my ex-husband...Jekyll? No that's Mr. Hyde...Justin? No that's JT as in Timberlake...Joseph? No he's busy fathering Mary's illegitimate child (virgin my ass)...Drawing a blank here...Even though it's only been a few weeks on my own, I can vaguely remember bits and pieces....skin and bones...receding hairline...pencil dick...wreaks of curry...loves strippers...shits on skis...It's slowly coming back to me...Wait, I got it! It's JAFAR with a J!!! Yes! I love you, Jafar with a J - my future husband #2! Or is it #3? I can't keep track these days.


Pictures: Ben (the other Ben) is visiting this week so we spent Sunday driving around Williamstown, a cute little town by the water reminiscent of Sausalito.